This month has been precisely about dissolving. I stand bare now, before the compensations and declarations came into this video game, before they somehow slipped into the code. But I stand bare now with what I might have started with? The simplest version of the game

Now it's rewiring season 

I am still brushing, bathing, cooking, made a new recipe I learnt just yesterday. So I do not talk in terms of functional mechanics of the mind, it is what I suppose it is meant for. 

Yet I'm in a state of limbo, wherein, I do an action I have always done as per habit but I realise there is no motive anymore, no ras. I am greiving some part, it wasnt not me but it accompanied me for long. The salt water from the ocean took away the layers on top. 

The hilariousness of this whole situation is I recognise that I might have bought into the idea that art produced without suffering has no depth, not from Rockstar but from some parallel philosophical conversation, I do not respect people who do not struggle in their process/lives, how can it come with ease? The irony makes my artist statement about embodying clay a joke. How do I produce art without being deeply invested in it? This is not about being successful or being famous but me feeling deeply engaged in my own process.

There have been artists who have gone through transformation and come to produce even better art, on the top of my head I think of Kumar Gandharva. But even he cannot tell me how he did it (that is if he was alive hahahh). I would love to have proximity with such artists though, share a studio, assist, apprentice?!

Anyway, I start bare. Standing naked in a chowk would be equivalent if not easier. (I made it sound so dramatic but I love the metaphor Kabir and Maria Abramovic altogether). I'm sure there is a 'long way to go' in this journey (alan watts is laughing at me). This is simply the first glimpse, the first clean swipe of what has always been under.

My mistake here is to assume 'ras' as liking, this is beyond likes/dislikes and happiness/sadness....

How do I make decisions to reinvent my life without the duality, as a person 'in-charge'? Where is the decision coming from? What is the motive/drive behind it? I feel responsible.

The self surveillance as Watts says, is fighting, trying to take me back to the familiar but there is no going back, for a bit I might but not fully, it;s simply not possible

I hold myself in patience, that is all I am attempting at currently because yes there is no going back but pushing myself forward is also feels like a reaction. 

Eventually, I will have to be okay having the video game in repair and testing but out there launched, all parallelly, (Koi chara hai?) how much ever that thought makes in squirm, cringe and so on now... 

To discover and invent myself at the same time.